Our Needs Are Not Extra

Our Needs Are Not Extra: Some Thoughts From Your Food Allergic Friend.

Pleasantly Surprised by Human Decency

I used to get so excited when people I cared about would turn to me and say "Wait, can you eat there?" as we were planning group dinner outings. Charmed by "I'll check the online menu," "tell me always," and "Mimi has food allergies so we can't eat there." Warmed inside by the very small act of people actually caring about whether I stayed alive or not. When I put it like that, it seems so obvious; of course people would make sure you weren't being endangered by the places you liked to eat and hang out at, right? Friends don't put friends in mortal peril for a yummy bite to eat. 

But for a long time (like, seventeen years) I didn't look at it like that because that's not how it was treated. My needs, as is often with people who fall "outside of the norm," were often treated like "extra"...or not needs at all. From a trusted adult who questioned half-jokingly "one bite won't kill ya, right?" to friends who asked "are you okay to go inside the restaurant as long as you don't eat anything?" and even every time I've gone to national museums that had no foods that were labeled safe for me to eat, I was largely socialized (outside of my own home) to believe that my needs were "extra." 

I'm reminding you that in a society not structured to accommodate your needs, your needs may be treated like "extra," but it doesn't mean that they are. It might be tempting to go along with the flow; I did for a really long time. I used to skip meals, stop reminding people of where I couldn't eat after they'd forget to ask if anyone in the group had dietary restrictions or remember places that weren't accessible to me, and more. All just to be able to spend time with people and avoid "disrupting." And even when I did mention, remind, provide alternatives, sometimes it was glossed over as if my needs were just a preference...or a burden. People who consistently ignore your needs in favor of their wants or what is easy for them are not people to hold close. Spend time with people who will show they value you through their actions.

I used to get so excited when people I cared about would turn to me and say "Wait, can you eat there?" as we were planning group dinner outings. Charmed by "I'll check the online menu," "tell me always," and "Mimi has food allergies so we can't eat there." Warmed inside by the very small act of people actually caring about whether I stayed alive or not. When I put it like that, it seems so obvious; of course people would make sure you weren't being endangered by the places you liked to eat and hang out at, right? Friends don't put friends in mortal peril for a yummy bite to eat. 

But for a long time (like, seventeen years) I didn't look at it like that because that's not how it was treated. My needs, as is often with people who fall "outside of the norm," were often treated like "extra"...or not needs at all. From a trusted adult who questioned half-jokingly "one bite won't kill ya, right?" to friends who asked "are you okay to go inside the restaurant as long as you don't eat anything?" and even every time I've gone to national museums that had no foods that were labeled safe for me to eat, I was largely socialized (outside of my own home) to believe that my needs were "extra." 

I'm reminding you that in a society not structured to accommodate your needs, your needs may be treated like "extra," but it doesn't mean that they are. It might be tempting to go along with the flow; I did for a really long time. I used to skip meals, stop reminding people of where I couldn't eat after they'd forget to ask if anyone in the group had dietary restrictions or remember places that weren't accessible to me, and more. All just to be able to spend time with people and avoid "disrupting." And even when I did mention, remind, provide alternatives, sometimes it was glossed over as if my needs were just a preference...or a burden. People who consistently ignore your needs in favor of their wants or what is easy for them are not people to hold close. Spend time with people who will show they value you through their actions.

Protecting Your Friends With Food Allergies

For those of you who don't have food allergies or don't require another form of accommodation due to disabilities, some good ways to protect and love those around you whose needs are not consistently thought of in the structuring of our society and culture are:

1. Always ask accessibility-based questions, even if you don't remember if your friend has a food allergy or not. Asking your friend group questions like "does anybody have dietary restrictions?" or "does anyone need me to check the menu or food options before we head to [insert restaurant, event, museum]?" removes the assumption that everyone's bodies function like a non-disabled person's.

2. Prioritize others' needs over your wants and preferences. Be willing to sacrifice in order to keep somebody else healthy and safe. Your favorite restaurant or hangout might not be safe for your friend to eat at or even enter. Asking them to enter anyway or asking them to just not eat is othering and prioritizes your wants over their need to eat and be safe while doing it. 

3. Educate yourself. Research and understand the dangers of cross contamination. Learn what epinephrine is and set up a food allergy emergency plan for your friend group; if someone has an allergic reaction, will your friend group know what to do? 

4. Speak up. Some people will flat out ignore others' needs or trivialize allergies. This includes other people with food allergies! Some people with food allergies are more willing to take chances with their life or simply don't have a history of severe reactions to their allergens and so won't speak up for others with F.A. who aren't as willing to risk their life or have more severe reactions. No matter who you are, speak up when anyone treats food allergies as less serious than they actually are. 

Hope this was helpful and affirming!

Originally posted on Instagram @hypersensitivitea . I am the original author.